Don't judge me for sniffing butts!

After 3 kids you'd think I'd know it all! All 3 of my girls are sick. And today when I was changing Ava, I found a glob of goop in her diaper that I panicked over. I was sure something was wrong with her. I smeared it around with a wipe, I smelled it (it had no smell) and then I did my research. Did you know when babies her age are sick, they can't blow their nose or spit out phlegm? So they digest it, and their bodies with throw it up or poop it out. Ava is been pooping out snot all day today.

I've been calling her booger butt for months, and I had no idea!!!

You learn something new every day, and boy oh boy did that humble me and my know it all attitude!

I'm thinking about starting weight watchers. I know when my problem times are. From 9pm until 1am. I get snacky and all I want to snack on is crap junk food. So it's time to get my act together and start snacking healthy (like an apple with a little bit of peanut butter and raisins, why can't I think of this at night when I'm hungry. All I can think is "oooo chocolate icecream! oreos!) lol I'm sick of feeling gross in my own body, and I am ready for a change :)

Until next time!

I hate spring

I really do. I struggle through March and April, and it's unfair. Shit doesn't get easier. I think about everything in my life that I've lost, and I spend 2 damn months dwelling over it! And I'm over it! But there is literally nothing I can do! I knew Paul and Tony so well. I lost the two people in the world who knew me best. And the worst part is, it's been so many years now, and no one.. AND I MEAN NO ONE has filled that void. It goes beyond skin deep. And unless you've known a pain like that, you can't even begin to understand.

Looking at my children, and knowing they will never meet their uncles makes me feel physically ill. Kate will be 5 this year, and Paul was supposed to take her to disneyworld. That isn't going to happen, and it kills me. She deserves the love he had for her.. I think she sees him though. Her imaginary friend is named Paulie. I don't talk about him or Tony. It hurts me too bad to try to explain them to my children. Kate will randomly see pictures of Paul and "Oh my! Yes that is my Paulie! I loves my Paulie!" I don't know how that happened, but I can tell you that since he passed away, she's always been drawn to pictures of him. She would be inconsolable, and she'd see a picture of him and start laughing and reaching out. He's always with her.

I miss who I was when they were a part of my every day. I can talk to them anytime I want, but they can't talk back and that.. You can't imagine.. I wouldn't wish this feeling, this pain on anyone in the entire world. Knowing them even for a little bit, has made me a better person. And missing them has changed me in ways I didn't think possible. I'm not even close to the person I was before, which I suppose is to be expected. But I miss the person I used to be. I was talking to Carl about it. When we met, I had crazy hair, I dressed to get noticed. I was always doing something ridiculous. Not always for attention, but because I loved doing nutty things.. I don't even like to leave the house anymore. I dress in shades instead of colors. I miss my twin, I miss my big brother. I miss my forever protectors.

I just miss them, that's all.

Clever blog title

Carl thinks Ava will be crawling soon. I think so too. She's been rolling from back to front, then back to her back. It cracks me up how wiggly she has gotten. Developmentally she's only considered 3 months (tomorrow anyway) but she's amazing us every day!!

Ellie has been sick, she's needed breathing treatments every 4 hours for the last couple of day.. It's made her a restless sleeper. She slept in bed with me last night, but I couldn't get her down until around 5 this morning. Between her and Ava, I got about 3 hours of sleep. I'm in total zombie mode right now. I was a total jerk to Carl this morning. I feel so bad about it, but it's like this other person takes over and I just go CRAZY! *sigh*

I'm thinking it's time to cut more stuff from Kate's diet. We've cut red40 out and it's helped, but she's definitely still having issues. I'm thinking about cutting out sugar (or at least significantly cutting it down) and going gluten free. I was thinking about having her tested for allergies, but her pedi had mentioned before that it's kind of invasive. I don't want to upset her and end up at square one with her dr. She struggled going to the dr for a very long time. I don't want to go back to that.

I wish I had more time, there is more to talk about and pictures to post. But Ava woke up! And the girls are dancing like crazy to Justin Bieber.. Little freak that he is. lol

Breast feeding... *sigh*

Ava and I have been breast feeding now since the day she came home from the hospital. So nearly 4 months. You would thing it would get easier, but so far that just isn't the case. I feel like I'm making less and less, and she is getting more and more agitated with me. I have to wrap her up and hold her super close, otherwise she breaks her latch over and over. It hurts. And I'm just so sick of it. I love the closeness you get from nursing. I love watching my sweetie girl fall asleep, drunk from mommy milk, on my chest. But I honestly feel like I can't do this much longer.

I missed out on having a normal childbirth with Ava. I looked forward to having her naturally. It helps me to battle my PPD. I didn't have it after having Ellie, because I was too high feeling like this amazing super human. Giving birth to 10.13oz of giant baby, with pitocin, without an epidural-- I was floating on top of the world. I hoped and prayed I'd have at least the natural labor with Ava, with or without pitocin, because I knew it would help me to recover from the depression that just hasn't gone away since having Kate. It didn't work out that way. Ava was born VIA emergency c-section, and placed in the nicu.. I got to see her for a couple of hours every day (admittedly some days were much less, as we didn't always have a sitter for the big girls, and they couldn't do the nicu for longer than 20 minutes at a time). I was so damn determined to make breast feeding work, though the nicu staff was constantly telling me it likely would not. And here we are, nearly 4 months later, and it feels like I'm starting over all of the time. I'm exhausted and frustrated, and I'm honest to God considering just giving up. Not even giving up, but letting it go so that I can stop aching. Focus more on loving this little girl, as opposed to being annoyed that she's tearing my boobs to shreds.

I hold on to breast feeding because it is the only normal part of our early relationship. She was ripped from my womb, and taken away from me almost immediately. She was covered in tubes and wires.. But she learned how to eat with my milk, and once her latch on the bottle became strong enough, and they moved her feeding tube up her nose, we started practice feedings in the hospital. She was amazing. The day she came home I took that bottle away and told myself I WOULD make this work. NO BOTTLES. That worked for a while. Unfortunately we have had to supplement. I'm sorry to say. And every time has been because I'm so tired/stressed out, Ava has been crying to eat, and nothing has been coming out. Daddy to the rescue! It's been few and far between, but they have been moments I've needed.

I don't wan't to give up, but I just don't know what to do. My hands are full day in and out, and I'm beginning to doubt myself as a parent because I'm struggling to make due for my growing girl. I know for certain I will continue until we move- but will I after? I'm saying yes for NOW. But I'm not going to do more damage to my self (mentally) if it doesn't work out afterward. She, and Kate and El deserve me as the best mommy I can be. And being upset or frustrated doesn't usually work for us. I want to give them the whole world and more, and I have to trust that I'm doing the right thing and make it work for us. I won't be angry with myself if it doesn't work out. I'm keeping the faith that it all comes together nicely, and that all of these feelings will be a thing of the past, a distant memory.

Fe

Random musings

I have to go to a baby shower today for one of my oldest friends. I'm super excited. Normally I don't get really excited for things like this. I've become a bit of a loner. And in the past, it seemed like something always stood in the way (like sickness, no sleep because my kids were up all night... that sort of thing) but this time I really want to be there, so I'm going. The problem is Ava. She's really sniffly/congested. She has been for the last two days, so much so that it's even bothering her nursing. To take her or not.. That is the question.. HMMMMM

Kate is being really dorky this morning. Well to be honest that is Kate every morning. She's a real crack up. Lately I worry about her, half of the things that come out of her mouth are really negative and bossy. This is pretty new behavior for her. But it's like she's done taking Ellie's shit. So she gets nasty when she talks to her. Just bossy, then telling her to go to time out and stuff. She's been drifting off to Kate-land more lately. We notice she does it when she is hungry, or when she is tired. She gets these bags under her eyes.. And her bad attitude is always worse if the bags are darker. I don't know what it means, but I'm going to take her to the dr to find out. Maybe have her tested for food allergies and stuff. Because the WORST THOUGHT IN THE WORLD is that it could be a food allergy holding her back. Her dr told us it could be ANYTHING! And I want to know what! ASAP!

I can't believe Ava is sleeping in. I'm so jealous lol. She went to bed pretty easy last night, woke up before 7 to eat. I fed her and she went right back to bed, it's 10am now. Jealous. Poor stink butt probably needs it because she hasn't been feeling well.

I've gotta get ready, but I don't want to move. I'm so lazy!!! *sigh* I guess I will though, this place isn't going to clean itself, and I definitely NEED a shower! lol ;)

Until next time!

Fe

I am their momma!

My Kaitlynn Marie


My Eleanor Christine (Ellie)



My Ava Grace

I have a few minutes while Ava is sleeping in. Kate and El are fighting over a stupid toy neither of them actually play with. And I honestly feel my hairs turning gray. But I couldn't be luckier, I couldn't be more blessed. I love my children, they are my whole world. I suffered so hard through PPD when Kate was a baby, and I've worked really hard to be a better mom because of it. For them and for me.

Kate is my special girl; I don't know how I got so lucky to have such a wonderful little lady.. And she's all mine. I worry about her so much at night that I have panic attacks. I just want her to be normal. My dad reminded me the other day that if she doesn't get help soon (still waiting on her evals) she will be made fun of when she goes to school.. The thought makes me physically ill. Like thinking about it now, and I'm getting a stomach ache that has nothing to do with the coffee I just drank.

Ellie is just CRAZY! She is so flipping smart. She will be 3 in july, and my oh my does time just fly by. She has been potty trained now for a year (she learned when Kate did) Ellie has a mind all of her own. She walks around all day in layers of clothes that she puts on herself, she breast feeds her dolls, she makes up her own songs, and she dances all day every day. She is such a wonderful helper. She loves to assist me with everything. Sometimes to the point of severe interference lol. She is the best 2yo in the entire world. She is so very VERY protective of Kate, I have a feeling she will be Kate's greatest ally once they are both in school. We are all so lucky to have her. My little independent girl. She rocks my world!

Ava so far is my sweetest baby. Ellie was a sweet baby too, but Ava is honestly just a little sweet pea. She is so cuddly and smiley. She keeps me up all night more often than not, but usually she's so happy while doing so, I don't even care! lol (okay, I do care! But it makes staying up late super easy because she's smiling and laughing the whole time.) When she finally does go to sleep, she sleeps all night long. I just have to work on getting her to bed between 8-9 instead of 12-2.. lol She's a booby baby through and through. She doesn't laugh for daddy. But then again daddy doesn't lactate. I wish he did, I could use a break once in a while lol

Right now the plan is try and post pictures of the girls weekly, and talk about what they've been up to. But I don't know. I might disappear for 6 months and then come back.. I've had this blog since 2007, and this is my 14th post. I want to keep writing, because I love it. I'm not very articulate, and I use punctuation wrong for the most part. But writing helps my brain stay active.

Until next time!

fe

I think it's time to make this a habit!

I love to blog. It's much less dramatic when I write my feelings here as opposed to clogging up my facebook. I'm such a complex asshole, the least I can do is spare the people who don't really want to see it ;)

Little known fact about me: I have terrible anxiety.

When I get tired that anxiety is about 100x more obvious. I am erratic, I'm mean, I become lazy.. I essentially personify a person I do not like. And it's always always linked to bad sleeping patterns. Right now Kate and El are going to bed around 8pm and sleeping until about 8am. Most of the time much earlier, very rarely later. Ava goes to bed anywhere between 11pm and 2am. And then I get up several times a night, mostly because of Carl snoring or some other reason. So ON A GOOD NIGHT I might get 6ish hours of sleep, which is doable for me. But lately, since my surgery, I've been getting about 4..ish

It's been really hard to recover from a painful surgery.. The pain in my hernia kept me up for days before I got it taken care of. The pain of the incision kept me up for about a week after surgery. I'm now starting to feel better, but I'm not getting as much sleep as I need. I say such awful mean things (to carl, or muttered under my breath. Or screamed out loud if that's how I feel! it's bad) when I am tired. I'm so horrible =( I can't go on living this way..

I'm making a pact with myself to get my priorities straight, to try to be kinder to people around me. And to make some dang time for myself!!! I plan to post pictures of my kids weekly, so I can go back and check out those amazing girls. I'll try to post different things they say/do each week also. It will help me to see the amazing girls I was given. They are my greatest gift, and I need NEED to start appreciating what I have. That's not to say that I don't, it's that sometimes I get so blinded by the dumb crap going on around me, I don't see the loves of my life as clearly. It's sad. They deserve more. I'm going to make sure they get it! <3
fe