Don't judge me for sniffing butts!

After 3 kids you'd think I'd know it all! All 3 of my girls are sick. And today when I was changing Ava, I found a glob of goop in her diaper that I panicked over. I was sure something was wrong with her. I smeared it around with a wipe, I smelled it (it had no smell) and then I did my research. Did you know when babies her age are sick, they can't blow their nose or spit out phlegm? So they digest it, and their bodies with throw it up or poop it out. Ava is been pooping out snot all day today.

I've been calling her booger butt for months, and I had no idea!!!

You learn something new every day, and boy oh boy did that humble me and my know it all attitude!

I'm thinking about starting weight watchers. I know when my problem times are. From 9pm until 1am. I get snacky and all I want to snack on is crap junk food. So it's time to get my act together and start snacking healthy (like an apple with a little bit of peanut butter and raisins, why can't I think of this at night when I'm hungry. All I can think is "oooo chocolate icecream! oreos!) lol I'm sick of feeling gross in my own body, and I am ready for a change :)

Until next time!

I hate spring

I really do. I struggle through March and April, and it's unfair. Shit doesn't get easier. I think about everything in my life that I've lost, and I spend 2 damn months dwelling over it! And I'm over it! But there is literally nothing I can do! I knew Paul and Tony so well. I lost the two people in the world who knew me best. And the worst part is, it's been so many years now, and no one.. AND I MEAN NO ONE has filled that void. It goes beyond skin deep. And unless you've known a pain like that, you can't even begin to understand.

Looking at my children, and knowing they will never meet their uncles makes me feel physically ill. Kate will be 5 this year, and Paul was supposed to take her to disneyworld. That isn't going to happen, and it kills me. She deserves the love he had for her.. I think she sees him though. Her imaginary friend is named Paulie. I don't talk about him or Tony. It hurts me too bad to try to explain them to my children. Kate will randomly see pictures of Paul and "Oh my! Yes that is my Paulie! I loves my Paulie!" I don't know how that happened, but I can tell you that since he passed away, she's always been drawn to pictures of him. She would be inconsolable, and she'd see a picture of him and start laughing and reaching out. He's always with her.

I miss who I was when they were a part of my every day. I can talk to them anytime I want, but they can't talk back and that.. You can't imagine.. I wouldn't wish this feeling, this pain on anyone in the entire world. Knowing them even for a little bit, has made me a better person. And missing them has changed me in ways I didn't think possible. I'm not even close to the person I was before, which I suppose is to be expected. But I miss the person I used to be. I was talking to Carl about it. When we met, I had crazy hair, I dressed to get noticed. I was always doing something ridiculous. Not always for attention, but because I loved doing nutty things.. I don't even like to leave the house anymore. I dress in shades instead of colors. I miss my twin, I miss my big brother. I miss my forever protectors.

I just miss them, that's all.

Clever blog title

Carl thinks Ava will be crawling soon. I think so too. She's been rolling from back to front, then back to her back. It cracks me up how wiggly she has gotten. Developmentally she's only considered 3 months (tomorrow anyway) but she's amazing us every day!!

Ellie has been sick, she's needed breathing treatments every 4 hours for the last couple of day.. It's made her a restless sleeper. She slept in bed with me last night, but I couldn't get her down until around 5 this morning. Between her and Ava, I got about 3 hours of sleep. I'm in total zombie mode right now. I was a total jerk to Carl this morning. I feel so bad about it, but it's like this other person takes over and I just go CRAZY! *sigh*

I'm thinking it's time to cut more stuff from Kate's diet. We've cut red40 out and it's helped, but she's definitely still having issues. I'm thinking about cutting out sugar (or at least significantly cutting it down) and going gluten free. I was thinking about having her tested for allergies, but her pedi had mentioned before that it's kind of invasive. I don't want to upset her and end up at square one with her dr. She struggled going to the dr for a very long time. I don't want to go back to that.

I wish I had more time, there is more to talk about and pictures to post. But Ava woke up! And the girls are dancing like crazy to Justin Bieber.. Little freak that he is. lol