Breast feeding... *sigh*

Ava and I have been breast feeding now since the day she came home from the hospital. So nearly 4 months. You would thing it would get easier, but so far that just isn't the case. I feel like I'm making less and less, and she is getting more and more agitated with me. I have to wrap her up and hold her super close, otherwise she breaks her latch over and over. It hurts. And I'm just so sick of it. I love the closeness you get from nursing. I love watching my sweetie girl fall asleep, drunk from mommy milk, on my chest. But I honestly feel like I can't do this much longer.

I missed out on having a normal childbirth with Ava. I looked forward to having her naturally. It helps me to battle my PPD. I didn't have it after having Ellie, because I was too high feeling like this amazing super human. Giving birth to 10.13oz of giant baby, with pitocin, without an epidural-- I was floating on top of the world. I hoped and prayed I'd have at least the natural labor with Ava, with or without pitocin, because I knew it would help me to recover from the depression that just hasn't gone away since having Kate. It didn't work out that way. Ava was born VIA emergency c-section, and placed in the nicu.. I got to see her for a couple of hours every day (admittedly some days were much less, as we didn't always have a sitter for the big girls, and they couldn't do the nicu for longer than 20 minutes at a time). I was so damn determined to make breast feeding work, though the nicu staff was constantly telling me it likely would not. And here we are, nearly 4 months later, and it feels like I'm starting over all of the time. I'm exhausted and frustrated, and I'm honest to God considering just giving up. Not even giving up, but letting it go so that I can stop aching. Focus more on loving this little girl, as opposed to being annoyed that she's tearing my boobs to shreds.

I hold on to breast feeding because it is the only normal part of our early relationship. She was ripped from my womb, and taken away from me almost immediately. She was covered in tubes and wires.. But she learned how to eat with my milk, and once her latch on the bottle became strong enough, and they moved her feeding tube up her nose, we started practice feedings in the hospital. She was amazing. The day she came home I took that bottle away and told myself I WOULD make this work. NO BOTTLES. That worked for a while. Unfortunately we have had to supplement. I'm sorry to say. And every time has been because I'm so tired/stressed out, Ava has been crying to eat, and nothing has been coming out. Daddy to the rescue! It's been few and far between, but they have been moments I've needed.

I don't wan't to give up, but I just don't know what to do. My hands are full day in and out, and I'm beginning to doubt myself as a parent because I'm struggling to make due for my growing girl. I know for certain I will continue until we move- but will I after? I'm saying yes for NOW. But I'm not going to do more damage to my self (mentally) if it doesn't work out afterward. She, and Kate and El deserve me as the best mommy I can be. And being upset or frustrated doesn't usually work for us. I want to give them the whole world and more, and I have to trust that I'm doing the right thing and make it work for us. I won't be angry with myself if it doesn't work out. I'm keeping the faith that it all comes together nicely, and that all of these feelings will be a thing of the past, a distant memory.

Fe