It gets easier, but today still sucks.

Dear Tony,

I'm going to spend most of the day thinking of you and trying not to cry. I'll allow it to myself during this. I always cry the hardest during letter time. That's not to say that I don't cry for you anyways. Some days it hits me that you aren't watching my kids grow up, that you don't see the person I've become. But I know how foolish that is. You're with me everywhere I go. You don't leave my heart, and that's what counts right??

I try to envision the man you'd be today. That's not so easy for me. You were so determined to succeed with your life- but you got bored so easily. Would you have gone far with your welding? Would you have joined the airforce like you wanted to? Would you have met a girl and settled down? Started a family? You would have been 23 this year. I started mine when I was 22 so that's not so weird to consider. It's hard to place you outside of that teenage mindset.. I wish I could have known you as you would have been today. I wonder if our relationship would have been as close. There were never a brother and sister as close as we. You were my best friend, my everything.

I miss your voice the most I think. I miss your smile and the way you'd laugh about the stupidest things. I miss how you'd always ALWAYS stand up for the little guy. My girls are growing up without the most amazing uncles, no one could have asked for better influences. You must have needed Paul more then I did. I understand that, he was something else. But both of you are missing out too. I've grown up, I'm a different person. I don't know if I'd be who I am today without the impact your death has made on me. I don't like to think about "whatifs" though because they scare me =(

I had a dream about you once; and I had said to you "what are you doing here? You're dead" and you said "No I'm not, I'm right here" I tried to argue.. I said "I saw your dead body. You were cremated" and you said "I don't want to hear about it, obviously it didn't happen. I'm right here" and I think.. I THINK that was just you telling me that even though you're gone, you're ALWAYS with me.

I think of you everyday, but I don't think of anything except how amazing and beautiful your soul was. And then I think I'll never take my life for granted, because you never know when it will be cut short. I think of all that I have to lose, and I hold fast that even if something were to happen, my heart would hold all of it dear and close. That's something I learned from you.

I miss you more than I could possibly convey with words. I can't wait to see you again. But I will. I belong here with my babies and Carl. I wish you could have been there when I had the girls. Thinking about the relationship they're missing bothers me the most.. I think about how much you would have loved them. And how they deserve nothing but the best.. And that would be you. Well.. And Paulie too.

You may be "gone" but you're never forgotten. I send you kisses and love everyday, and I will until the day that I die.

I love you, brother, with every single beat of my heart,
Fe

Unusually short for a first blog name!

I needed a new blog. A fresh start if you will. (thanks for the idea Casey!!)

I'm a scrabbled sort of person. I put things off until the last minute. I would rather sleep all day then clean my house. I LOVE my cooking, but I hate the process. I love to bake when I'm angry, but I never eat my hateful cookies. I'm a lot of things, but mostly I'm just a mom and a wife. And that's all. And even when the going gets tough, and I'm covered in puke. Or my clean walls have been colored by my toddler- I wouldn't change it.

In all honesty, I'm keeping this- because a year from now I want to look back and see who I was. I want to change. I want to keep changing. I want to change in such a positive way that when I finally look back I won't even recognize the author of this first post.

Tomorrow is the anniversary of my little brothers death. We're both gemini's we called each other twin. As per customary I'll post a letter to him. It's the hardest day of the year for me. This will be the fourth, but its by no means easier.

My children are my life. Kaitlynn Marie- born 09/02/2007 and Eleanor Christine- born 07/17/2009. My husband is my rock. My go to guy. My soul sharer. My everything. I have a cat and I hate him. His name is snicklefritz, and his middle name is bitch. He's a bitch cat.

That about sums it up! I'll write more tomorrow =)