Alright, so since a lot of people DON'T read this, it's mostly just for my records. I don't want to forget anything or how I'm feeling right now.
I had Ava 2 weeks and 1 day ago at 33 weeks and 1 day gestation. I had a condition called HELLP syndrome, and if I hadn't had her by emergency c-section when I did, it could have been fatal for both of us. I did pretty well with the whole surgery. I mostly just chatted with Carl and our anesthesiologist. He was really neat, and I'm sorry I don't remember his name. I had a bunch of nurses who were so amazing and thoughtful and FUNNY! That's always the best, when you're in a scary situation like I was in, having nurses who are so supportive, who have a personality you just jive with-- that makes a huge difference. My recovery has not been so bad honestly. I've been very blessed, and I know it. In fact I haven't needed pain medication for over 24 hours. I'm feeling pretty good. Still sore, but not sore enough to warrant anything (including motrin)! I know how sick I was feeling, and how very close it came to being a disaster of epic proportions for us, this recovery has been a cake walk considering what it could have been.
Ava is doing alright. She was 5lbs 5oz and 17inches long. She's now nearly 19inches 5lbs 12.9oz. She's still in the nicu, which is where she'll be until she starts eating on her own. She's just such a sleepy baby, she doesn't want to wake up for a feeding. UNLESS I'm there, apparently. I walk in and start talking and she's as alert as can be! Lol. I HATE leaving her behind every night. I cannot stand not getting up to feed her in the middle of the night. I'm just frustrated by the whole situation right now. It's so hard to divide my time between home with my babies and the nicu with my little baby. Kate, we found out, is some sort of special needs. We're not sure exactly where she falls yet. We're on a waiting list for Seattle Children's Hospital. She's having an evaluation with the Autism department, and once we know what she has we can go from there. I need to set up an eval with the mukilteo school district also, I've just been so busy I haven't even made the call yet.. I KNOW!! BAD MOMMY!! This whole "Ava in the nicu" business has been really stressing her out and giving her anxiety. She isn't sleeping well, she's barely eating right now. She tells us she's so hungry and stuff, but doesn't want to eat when we give her food. She's been having tantrums like you would not even believe!! AHHH It's been driving me NUTS! I try so hard to just ignore it.. But I don't know how not to redirect her? And I'm SO stressed out about Ava and everything else under the sun that I just blow up sometimes. I don't mean to be a jerk. It makes me feel like I must be the worlds worst momma.. I love my baby girl so much, and I spend more time being frustrated with her then anything else. I pretty much have just been giving her lots of extra huggies and kissies to make up for my short fuse. I know that's horrible, it's sending mixed signals. But I AM trying. I never stop trying to be the best mom that I can be.
Right now I just feel helpless. That is how I feel. I feel like I'm stuck in some alternate universe. Nothing is really going right. October has been the worst month of my life since Paul died.. I can't even stand thinking about how upset I've been. I just want to go back in time and start over.. You know? God the things I would have done differently. I would have gotten Kate help a year ago, I would have changed my lifestyle so I wouldn't have to worry about being high risk.. I hate being overweight. I've got to change that for sure, as soon as possible. As soon as I'm allowed to work out, that's the plan. The fact remains though, HELLP syndrome could have happened to me whether I was fat to start with or not! But dang, I really have to change my life. I had jack in the box yesterday, and since I've felt shitty. So guess what I'm not doing anymore? Eating fast food. If I can't be taking care of Ava right now, then I'm going to at least take care of me! Get myself healthy and feeling great and work on that while we wait in suspense waiting for Ava to come home.
I don't want to be depressed. I feel it creeping up on me. I hate my body for failing me and Ava. I hate that my last pregnancy was terrifying all of the time. I hate that I can't fix Kate without help. I hate pumping. I have too much hate in my heart right now. You can't imagine the conflicting feelings that have been surging through me the last 2 weeks and 1 day. It's so unfair. Why does it feel like things keep happening to me? *sigh*
I suppose as much as this is a record, it's also a woe-is-me post. Because I'm definitely feeling that way.
<3f
