I hate spring

I really do. I struggle through March and April, and it's unfair. Shit doesn't get easier. I think about everything in my life that I've lost, and I spend 2 damn months dwelling over it! And I'm over it! But there is literally nothing I can do! I knew Paul and Tony so well. I lost the two people in the world who knew me best. And the worst part is, it's been so many years now, and no one.. AND I MEAN NO ONE has filled that void. It goes beyond skin deep. And unless you've known a pain like that, you can't even begin to understand.

Looking at my children, and knowing they will never meet their uncles makes me feel physically ill. Kate will be 5 this year, and Paul was supposed to take her to disneyworld. That isn't going to happen, and it kills me. She deserves the love he had for her.. I think she sees him though. Her imaginary friend is named Paulie. I don't talk about him or Tony. It hurts me too bad to try to explain them to my children. Kate will randomly see pictures of Paul and "Oh my! Yes that is my Paulie! I loves my Paulie!" I don't know how that happened, but I can tell you that since he passed away, she's always been drawn to pictures of him. She would be inconsolable, and she'd see a picture of him and start laughing and reaching out. He's always with her.

I miss who I was when they were a part of my every day. I can talk to them anytime I want, but they can't talk back and that.. You can't imagine.. I wouldn't wish this feeling, this pain on anyone in the entire world. Knowing them even for a little bit, has made me a better person. And missing them has changed me in ways I didn't think possible. I'm not even close to the person I was before, which I suppose is to be expected. But I miss the person I used to be. I was talking to Carl about it. When we met, I had crazy hair, I dressed to get noticed. I was always doing something ridiculous. Not always for attention, but because I loved doing nutty things.. I don't even like to leave the house anymore. I dress in shades instead of colors. I miss my twin, I miss my big brother. I miss my forever protectors.

I just miss them, that's all.