Coping with my grief

Did anyone see that article about the dog who laid down at the foot of his owners casket?? His owner was one of the navy seals killed earlier this month in Afghanistan.

Here is the link: http://networkedblogs.com/mbx9j?ref=nf

I read that article yesterday. Which can I just say yesterday was a really hard day for me anyway?? Some days I can be overly emotional. I still daily with depression (that isn't medicated because I'm knocked up) as a result of death of my brothers. If you know me, you know the stories. You know that Tony was my younger brother, but I called him my twin we were so attached in every way. You know that Paul was born to my Aunt, but we were raised under the same roof and regarded each other as brother and sister. Their deaths have been very instrumental in defining who I've become as a person the last few years. It has been 5 years since losing Tony, and 3 since losing Paul. And both are still so raw and fresh for me.I cannot imagine how my mom and aunt feel. I try to be sympathetic. Especially now that I am a parent. But I don't know how I'd survive losing my children.

Back to my original train of thought; yesterday I was feeling really broken and twisted up inside when I got up for the day. It felt like nothing was going right, it felt like my kids were deliberately trying to frustrate me. They were more wound up then usual. They were very unkind to me and to each other, and by the time Carl got home from work, I was a hot mess. I had a horrible headache, and I just needed to sleep to let it go. During my crazy long frustrating day, I read the article about that dog, Hawkeye. And I spent hours crying over the death of someone I don't even know. I read the comments people posted on the article, and I cried and cried and cried. And I cried for that dog. I cried for his grief and his loneliness. I cried for Jon's family. I cried for my own losses. I cried for the incredibly sad comments some people posted on the article. I had to walk away and sit alone and just cry. Yesterday, my own grief was in every action I committed myself to.

The funny thing about grief is it's different for everyone. No two people process things the same way. Over time It will continue to feel less sharp, but that doesn't mean you're not allowed to feel sad sometimes. I would say that I'm still continuously grieving the loss of my two greatest friends, of my brothers. I do my best to put on a brave face and let my life continue to bloom and grow- because I know who they were, and I know how important it is to them that I always LIVE. I refuse to be a shell. I have learned how to cope, even if to some people I wouldn't be doing it correctly, it works for me. I've learned that it is OK to feel sad some days. That it is OK to laugh and love again. That it is OK to be sad that my children will never know their uncles, except from stories and pictures. Every day my heart breaks over this. Every time I see a picture of Paul holding Kate I die a little bit. He came to see her the week she was born, and he was so in love. And he had such big plans for her as she grew up. He died when she was 6 months old. She'll never know the love her uncle, who was absolutely devoted to being a significant part of her life. Before she was born, he would just gush over how much he already loved her, and he cried when he heard her crying for the first time after I had her, before he flew into Seattle. He held her every second he was near her. He would sleep with her on the couch, and some of those memories are the most pivotal of my life. They are the last ones I have with him. He was my rock, and losing him.. I won't say it was harder then losing Tony, but it definitely rocked me to my entire core. I think I may have fainted with Kate in my arms when my dad told me he died. I was not expecting it, those days are such a blur of sorrow and frustration. Being stuck here, while his body was in FL. I never want to live through something like that again.

When you love someone, and you lose them, it is okay to hurt and to be sad, and to feel left behind and alone. And if anyone tells you to get over it, to move on; you tell them that unless they've been in your shoes, they'll never be able to comprehend the absolute power of your own grief. It does not make you weak to cry every day for what you've lost, but don't forget to laugh and love and enjoy what you still have. That's how I get up everyday, even when it's still so hard. I look at what I have, and that still includes the absolute love I know my brothers had for me. I'll never let that go.

Struggle with Hyperemesis Gravidarum

I hate being pregnant. You might ask, "Why get pregnant AGAIN if it's not something you enjoy doing?" What I enjoy is my children. What I enjoy is feeling the kicks and knowing I created a life with the man I love. What I hate is the constant, debilitating morning sickness. I am sick constantly. And I am so tired of it. I don't like feeling like I got hit by a dump truck, but that is consistently my life during pregnancy. And magically, it just STOPS the moment I deliver. I always wonder "why me?!" I am constantly jealous of women who can carry a baby to term without any complications. I swear each pregnancy for me brings a new one. But one thing has been notoriously consistent: Hyperemesis Gravidarum.

In other words, severe morning sickness. I don't know why they call it that. For anyone who has ever experienced HG, even more mildly, will tell you its ALL OF THE TIME! It's everything you eat. It effects how you sleep. It dehydrates you. I drink more then DOUBLE the recommended amount of water during my pregnancies DAILY because I'm terrified of being dehydrated and accidentally causing preterm labor. I know the end result is the most amazing experience on the planet, but getting there takes some serious patience. I am fearful for my children, and wonder if they will have pregnancies like mine.. I'm just sick of being sick. I want to sit back and enjoy this ride. Some days are easier then others. In my case, I have been sick daily for the last almost two weeks now. After having a bit of time off, it seems to have come back full force. It's like being in the first trimester and miserable all over again. I drop weight like crazy when it kicks in. During my pregnancy with Kate I lost 30lbs over all. With Ellie I lost 35. So far this one has fluctuated, and I'm back to being -25 after gaining a few pounds.

I feel weak, I feel exhausted. Even when I sleep a full night I am not rested. My stomach hurts. I have broken blood vessels on my face from violently being sick. I throw up until I get bloody noses and/or cough up blood. I am tired of my body hating the creation of my children. They are the most important part of my life... And the way I feel while baking them.. Almost like I regret the pregnancies.. EVEN THOUGH I KNOW I DON'T!! But.. In my darkest hours.. I wonder if I should have put myself through this again... And even FEELING that way makes me so sick and so sad.

I don't know what causes this. I don't know how to change it. I've tried so many different options, medications, diet changes. Nothing works consistently for long. I'll find a food that miraculously stays down for a few days, then all of a sudden I'm back to square one. I used to call those my "safe foods" but nothing is really safe anymore =(

I'll power through, I'm nearly done. Next friday (Kate's birthday) Will be exactly 3 months until my due date. I know I can do this. I KNOW I CAN!!

If you're interested in reading some extra information, please visit this site: http://www.hyperemesis.org

Misadventures.. blah

I swear last night was one thing after the other!!

I couldn't sleep. I was so tired, but I was tossing and turning and just couldn't get comfortable. Once I finally fell asleep, it wasn't long before Kate was standing right next to me. She wasn't doing anything, just standing there.. and it woke me up.. So I sit up and tell her to get back in bed, and all of a sudden Ellie just starts SCREAMING! and I'm thinking "oh snap she must have had an accident!" Nope, her cup fell out of bed, so she was upset because she couldn't find it in the dark. I sat her on the potty and took Kate back to bed, but I slipped on Kate's cup (which was also on the floor) and pretty much went flying. I'm not kidding. I seriously flew like 2 feet. That's terrifying for a pregnant woman!! I hurt my pelvis and my back (which was already hurting) in the process!! Ugh! I'm telling you!

I got back into bed after getting the girls settled, and Carl was snoring so loud and so hard, it took me literally 40 minutes to get up and leave for the couch. I would gladly sleep on the couch, but it hurts my back so bad, I can barely move the next day.

I got back into bed, and was woken up by Kate AGAIN about 30 minutes later. She had gone pee, and needed help putting her undies back on.

She woke me up again a few minutes later crawling into bed with me.

At 5:30 my alarm went off and I went to the living room to get Carl up for the day. It literally took him nearly a half hour to get up. I hate that shit. I get so anxious when he won't get up. I don't know what time he came to bed, I just know that I'm exhausted and he's so hard to get up.. I just stand there yelling at him.

I went pee, then got back into bed. At 7:40 my girls were up for the day.

Today my back is killing me, my feet are swollen. I'm drinking a ton of water, but it doesn't feel like enough. And I have a headache that has been bugging me since yesterday. Do you ever feel like you just can't win?? That is me today. Seriously. I just can't win.

Holy moly it's been a while!!

I read once that you should never start a blog like that, but DANG!!! It's been over a year since I've even had the will to look at this page much!! I'm going to start documenting again though, because as I near the end of my third and final pregnancy, I feel like it would be very beneficial to me to write down everything that has happened until D day.

I am currently in my 25th week of pregnancy with ANOTHER little girl. Whom we are naming Ava Grace. I cannot tell you how much this pregnancy has meant to me. My life is in such a different place. Carl has a good job right now, the girls are growing up so fast and becoming such amazing little women!! Kate is nearly four, and though we've had some speech issues with her, she is very aware of what is going on around her at all times. She is very kind and very patient with other children. She's very sensitive to what they are doing or how they are feeling. She is such a little tender heart.

Eleanor.. I don't even know where to go with her!! She just turned two last month!! She naturally weaned from the boob around 14 months. I worried so much about weaning her slowly, but she did it all on her own. I am so thankful for that!! She walks and talks (sometimes better then Kate!! hah) She is still very clingy and attached to me, mostly I don't mind. But some days I would just like a little SPACE! She's very sweet and cuddly though, so its hard to complain. (Even though, if you asked my husband, he'd tell you I complain about it A LOT! LOL)

My life has changed so much. Some friendships have ended and some new ones have begun. I don't sleep the way I used to. I think that probably comes with the territory, but who knows!! I'm terribly exhausted all of the time. Even on days when I get hours and hours of sleep. I wonder if it's just pregnancy, but I'm not sure. Carl let me sleep in on sunday, and I got up a little bit after noon, and I was such a hot mess for the entire day!! It took so long to go to sleep. I guess I probably won't be sleeping in much anymore, it doesn't really make me feel very good. I don't like that feeling.

In regards to this pregnancy, it is very different from the other two. With Kate I was non-stop sick from conception until I gave birth at 42 weeks. With Ellie, I was sick off and on, but still more often then not. Towards the end I developed pregnancy hypertension, and I was induced and had her on her due date. This time around I am sick CONSTANTLY with random breaks that sometimes last for a week!! (what a blessing!) But I also started this pregnancy with hypertension. I see my dr and a high risk specialist several times a month. It's been a pain. At 28 weeks, I'll be getting non-stress tests twice a week, and I think seeing my dr one week and the specialist the other. So far I've only had to have my medication increased once, but I'm still borderline high blood pressure, it really sucks. I was told that high blood pressure early in pregnancy can cause complications for the placenta. My specialist wants me to be induced (likely) two weeks early (so around mid november.. I'm due December 2nd)Because I am high risk for shoulder dystocia (Ellie had it, and I was told there's a high chance that it could happen again with Ava) Which was by far the most terrifying experience I've ever had. My dr said she often sees patients who have PTSD from that happening, and I can totally see that being the case. For months I had nightmares about what happened, and it scares me SO much!! Plus, they only want me to carry on the pregnancy for as long as its healthy for me and Ava. If I have to have her a couple of weeks early because the placenta stops doing it's job, then I have to be okay with that. Currently I'm having growth scans every month, but starting soon it will become weekly. It's the only thing enjoyable about being high-risk. Little sneak peeks of my babe ;)

Anyway, I think we're all caught up!